Jarod Kintz quotes and sayings
I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick, pulled up my pants, and got back to work.
Love splattered on my life like bird shit on a windshield.
Sell canoes to those who are enduring a drought, and sell sunscreen to those suffering from flooding. But give love freely to all, because samples encourage sales.
I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his eyebrows. He accepted and was so grateful that he offered to trade mustaches with me. In remembrance of that special bonding moment, I still wear his mustache over my left nipple.
I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.
Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves.
I took a shower under a fountain drink machine at a gas station because it beats showering with unleaded gasoline at $3.33 a gallon and rising.
I have no brothers or sisters, so I get all my sibling love. But since I can't take what's already mine, I end up giving it all to my cat.
Love is a rainbow of emotion. My favorite part is the pot of gold and the Irish midget.
A writer should be a recluse. Why share words with a few friends in the moment when they can be written down in solitude and shared with everybody at any time?
Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.
A zebra has stripes, the American flag has stripes, and I have an erection. Coincidence?
Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?
My favorite snack is vagina. The only thing I hate is unwrapping all that saran wrap.
Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely.
My leadership style can be summed up in one word: Follower.
I asked for her hand in marriage, but instead got the whole body. Love is full of surprises!
These times are hard, and so is my penis.
She was very close to my heart. Even though we were separated by a distance of 400 years, I was lying on her grave.
Feeling depressed? Lift your chin up, pull your shoulders back, raise your arms, walk with a spring in your step, smile, and very soon your spirits will rise, just like your posture. It works. My spirit just rose, and left me cold and alone in this terrestrial body.
How to get money: earn it, steal it, borrow it, beg for it, or inherit it. So, who do I have to kill to get rich?
If you catch me talking in my sleep, your conversation bored me.
I make sleep like I make love, only with more energy and excitement.
I accidentally sealed the box shut with my penis still inside, not realizing I may need to use it later. Being in love can be so distracting.
Love is you wearing her favorite shirt of yours, just like you did yesterday and the day before. And the day before that too.
I want to conserve energy expenditure by reducing our air intake. Save lives by saving your I love yous and holding your breath for the duration of your relationship.
I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute.
To be invisible, paint yourself with the direct shade of zero. Leave nothing to chance, by taking nothing with you wherever you go.
Wrapped inside one is love. Wrapped inside another is hate. What do you think is wrapped inside the third? If you answered meat, beans, and cheese, you'd be correct.
If I were alone with my clone, and we were enjoying each others' solitude, I'd have finally have met a man with whom I could hold a conversation consisting entirely of the repetitive response, Yes, I agree!
I wanted to tell her I love you back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment , I ended up completely forgetting.
Even the ocean waves take their hellos to the people all the time. I should take my hellos down to the beach and sell waves to the tourists.
Using my nipples as bait, I went fishing for compliments. I got a few bites, but nothing to write about in Field and Stream.
There is nothing more enjoyable than being a member of an enlightened group of people that meets in complete darkness in complete secrecy. I have no idea why the other members joined, when they joined, how they joined, or if, in fact, there are any other members.
I want to end my life by eating so much Viagra that I go out like that movie and Die Hard. If you want to watch, I just made popcorn.
The president of the US is the leader of the free world, if by free world you mean the country with the largest prison system.
Let us embrace each other like we have the arms of two chairs. Let us dance like our legs are those of a table. We should do dinner sometime.
The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall.
I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.
Underwater nobody can dance. Let this be a lesson in basket weaving. And love.
I want to be able to convert sunlight to iron, because your body needs it to live, particularly if an attacker is wielding a sword at you.
If my favorite three letters are X, Z, and Q, then my favorite word is Xazaqazax. It means a lover of love.
His name was Chase, so to make things interesting, I gave him a bit of a head start. Sort of like I do when pursuing a woman that I love.
Awards represent achievement, and to an extent they show more about who you are as a person than the personal items you picked out and purchased, because they show desire, ambition, goals, and accomplishment.
My name is a half an hour early, but my body is on time.
When I compete, I leave it all on the table. That's my philosophy for the Hot Dog Eating Contest. Do you know what's in those things? Gross!
I can kick the can down the road, and I can also kick other modal verbs.
My wife and I were together for two years. Those were the best two days of my life.
I don't like Dijon or honey mustard. No, the only kind of mustard I like is #FFFF00 mustard.
He told me he was getting married, and I told him I approved of his upcoming divorce.
Every second is a moment before the unknown. Only the now is known. Life is a continuous known unknown.
Can you break my five-dollar bill into five singles? Women love guys with lots of money.
Our love went from fly to flower to butterfly, and it was meant to beautifully flutter, not sit still on a shelf like a trophy to be collected.
The four years I spent in college were the best five years of my life.
Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.
My cup is full of air. I should empty it and fill it with love. Or coffee, as the two are synonymous to me.
The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it.
Love is the hero of all emotions. My love for you is a superhero, and it looks great hidden behind a mask.
I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.
I cross country ski on conveyer belts covered with shaved ice. People trying to check out at the grocery store need to show more respect for serious athletes.
I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well, at least compared to my ex wife.
I am passionate about creating, not about procreating. My love for art is greater than my love for making love.
My ex-girlfriend was exquisite, while my current girlfriend is merely quisite. The ex always makes the past seem more excellent than the present.
I won't discuss non-discussable things with her, like the sound of silence or the vertical dimensions of an awkward moment. Those sorts of things are best left unsaid, like the last time I told her I loved her.
Be mindful and heartempty, because you've got no love left in it due to you having given it all away.
If everyone in America started mailing empty boxes, we could boost productivity, profitability, and employment. Think like a politician.
To show the football coach I was ready to play tight end, I wore no pants and had a Q-tip dangling out of my ass.
The all-knowing yesterday is obsolete today.
I water my driveway, and I drive a hard bargain to work.
I want to write a song about one man's level of commitment called, I'd walk to the edge of the world, just to dump your body.
Sometimes love will break your heart in two. Or three, depending on if there's an extra person involved, or how unmanageably large your heart is.
For our first date we went Dutch. We would have gone another nationality, but they are the tallest.
Love is being able to be yourself, with another human being who makes you want to be better than yourself.
In elementary school, in my lunchbox, I used to pack a saxophone. I could have been a chef, a culinary artist, and all that jazz.
I'm not afraid of death, I'm just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.
I was so depressed I thought about committing TV. I mean suicide. In the end I decided to binge on @Netflix and it really made me feel better.
If you bring bring the karaoke machine, I'll bring the air guitar. Also, if you bring two brings, like I just brought, we can have a Redundancy Party.
I don't like customer service, because I don't believe the customer should have to pay and help out too.
Love is a speedy bird that looks like a fish. If you catch one in the sky, try not to drown.
The best birthday present is an empty box. Smile, it contains all my love for you.
Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet.
Go to a cemetery for the scenery. After you die, go back to the cemetery to become one with nature.
Enjoy a life of poverty. Become a poet.
I wasn't fast asleep. But only because I was sleep walking, and I'm not a speed walker.
My brain is divided into two butterflies, and both are in love with your rose-shaped heart. If you've got the garden, I've got my whole life.
To stop a battle, a politician would propose a war.
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