Mallory Ortberg quotes and sayings
November 28, 1986
Don't let a friend make you feel publicly uncomfortable indefinitely just because they're probably a lesbian.
Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and don't worry about the people or situations you dream about. Once you wake up, they're over; let them go.
The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.
It's one thing to be a high achiever; it's quite another to privately sneer at your girlfriend's friends after feigning friendliness because they have the "misfortune" to drive a bus for a living.
Your partner cannot fault you for refusing to host a perpetual-motion party or for the fact that you must sleep and will eventually die.
If this is something you'd truly like to work on, not out of a sense of guilt but because you would enjoy occasionally reciprocating, there are a wealth of resources out there for the enthusiastic amateur . You have more options than "no blow jobs, ever" and "regular whole-hog sessions to completion that result in vomiting.".
If and when you do decide to share your experience with your husband, it should be because you feel ready to do so, not for any other reason.
Tenancy laws can be so complicated; I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.
You who have suffered so much do not want to be with the kind of person who makes "black widow" jokes to deal with an uncomfortable, painful moment. You should be with a person capable of great compassion and understanding.
Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave the badgering to the badgers.
Anyone who thinks it's funny to name their network "Tom'sHugeEtc" is going to think it's funny that one of his neighbors is also named Tom and is embarrassed by it.
Nothing good comes of reading other people's emails.
Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends.
I don't think it's a requirement that a happy, fulfilling relationship also provide the best sex of all time.
You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it bothers your co-workers, but I hope very much you can also give yourself credit for the work you're already doing.
Addicts sometimes have a penchant for becoming the center of attention at other people's celebrations.
I'm forgetful by nature and often ask family, friends, and co-workers the same question.
Not being virulently and overtly racist against black people and treating gay people like human beings are necessary conditions of greatness.
Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.
Arm yourself with as many options as possible before making your next move.
LGBT youth face a much higher risk of violence and homelessness after being rejected by their family of origin.
It's OK to tell your partner to objectify you. That's part of the fun of having a partner.
A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going to get married and have children is not trying to let sleeping dogs lie.
You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have to share your history of addiction with acquaintances at work, either.
Depression cannot be overcome by listing a series of good things in one's life, any more than a broken foot can be healed by thinking about all the other bones you have that aren't broken.
Five-foot-8 is a perfectly normal height for a woman - it's slightly but not at all unusually tall and certainly shouldn't be causing you any torment.
I think that it's a great idea to have honest conversations about children before getting married. I also think it's impossible to promise someone, "What I want right now will never change, and as long as I promise you I do - or don't - want a child - or a specific number of children - before we get married, we will never have to experience fear, anxiety, uncertainty, or the pain of not getting what we want, when we want it.
Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.
It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!
Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people.
If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, "Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us." Only you can help fight ghosting.
Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling; others should be dismantled and stripped for parts.
You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.
If someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, give them a call or send them a letter to tell them how sorry you are and to let them know how much you care.
Bad dental hygiene can lead to respiratory infections and an increased risk for heart disease and strokes.
Worrying seems like a fairly natural state of being for a parent, so feel free to worry as much as you want.
I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion.
The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the ghoster directly. You just never hear from them again, and everything feels odd and incomplete.
A child is not a bargaining chip or a learning tool. Your focus, if you adopt a child of a different race, should be on nurturing and protecting your child from bigotry, not deploying him or her as an anti-racist Mr. Fix-It.
Knowledge of death is the beginning of wisdom.
As long as you don't think he's just pretending not to mind for your sake, it sounds like he has truly accepted that blow jobs are too difficult and painful for you to perform, and he's still very satisfied with your sex life. Take him at his word.
If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, "Please don't touch me" should get them to stop.
It's so difficult to figure out how to offer support and also be honest with someone you love who's in a damaging relationship without making them feel defensive and retreating even further into isolation.
There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.
Reciprocating oral sex is, in general, a very good idea!
Someone who responds to "Please don't grope me" with whining and pouting isn't a friend. He's an asshole and a predator.
I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm fairly certain there are more than a few types of psychoanalysis dedicated to the topic.
Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure.
Someone who has a disability is not necessarily in distress. You may be embarrassing and inconveniencing someone by butting in and making assumptions.
If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is "don't go to potlucks," not "insist other people don't have them.".
You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents.
You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes that you cannot yet predict.
I don't think unfriending your old crush on Facebook will do much other than remove him from your Facebook feed. Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about; there are a lot worse things that could slip across the transom of your unconscious mind than an old high school crush who was always nice to you.
As you feel increasingly comfortable around your friends, I think it's more than fine to share the basic details of your heroin addiction with them. If they seem receptive, you can feel free to talk about it in further detail; if they seem judgmental or uncomfortable, you can move on to other topics.
Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you.
I do not think it is selfish to want to donate a kidney only to family members.
Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship.
If your partner asks you if something bothers you, and something bothers you, the best thing you can do is say, "Yes, it bothers me." Otherwise you create a situation where they think everything is fine, continue with the offending behavior, while you build up a secret reservoir of resentment that will eventually come pouring out, to their shock.
If you're so forgetful that you're incapable of remembering that a co-worker isn't pregnant on three separate occasions in as many months, I worry about your memory and cognition skills.
If your wife briefly corrects someone with "Actually, I'm bisexual" during conversation, it hardly sounds like attempting to remain an object of desire to me. If she went around saying, "Actually, I'm still very interested in men, particularly you, you massive dose of sexual charisma," you might have a case.
If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have a dog if you don't feel like taking care of one, it's very easy to not have a dog.
I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who "despises" having sex with her husband - and men in general - may not be interested in men sexually.
So many people choose silence after the immediate wake of a death out of fear of saying something out of turn or bringing up bad memories that bereaved people often feel forgotten.
o one is right when it comes to destination weddings. It's a big ask, requesting people take time off work and fly off to take a cruise just to see you get married, and they're perfectly justified in saying no if they don't have the time, the money, or simply the inclination.
Most of us, however committed we are to our ideals, will find ourselves every now and again reading an attention-grabbing headline from the Daily Mail or some other lowest-common denominator. That's not the same thing as frequenting a site like the white supremacist Stormfront.
Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.
I'm of the opinion that it is always a kind and appropriate decision to get in touch with someone who's lost a loved one to remind them that you're thinking of them and have fond memories of the deceased.
You are allowed to draw lines even if your feelings are irrational. Part of the marvelous business of being an adult human is that you get to set your own boundaries for whatever reasons you like, without appending a sensible rationale to them.
Periodontal bacteria can easily slip into the bloodstream and cause infection elsewhere in the body.
In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a healthy lifestyle in order to rent property.
It can't hurt to have a backup.
I love the art history ones because it's so little work for me. There's so many paintings that when I look at them, the look on the lady's face is like so clear and her body language and her posture or their physical situation is so immediately recognizable. Anyone who's been in a conversation they didn't want to have, or been getting harangued by a little kid they didn't want to pay attention to or been tired and wanted to go to bed is just like, "Yes, of course.".
I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment.
We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.
Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy.
You may not be able to convince everyone around you that you're doing the right thing, but you don't have to subject yourself to endless second-guessing from others, either.
It should go without saying that you are not doing anything wrong by having sex in your own home, and based on the care you've taken to keep things relatively quiet it's unlikely that you're violating any city noise ordinances.
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