Sarah Silverman quotes and sayings
December 1, 1970
I started out in clubs, and I've always liked clubs. I like theaters because people are there for the show.
I can only speak from my own experience, and I would say that the depression I experienced feels like a chemical change. When it came over me, when it comes over me, it feels like it's coming over me like a flu.
Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a dream, too.
If I were somebody else looking at my character, I'd be like, "She's beautiful." I'm practicing. I'm not succeeding.
We live in a fun time with so many ways to express yourself, you would be crazy to be a comedian and not check them all out.
Everyone's got their own velocity, and there's no real time frame with comedy.
Anything television trivia I'm good at. But when you're on your couch, you're really good at it, but when you're standing there, it's probably scary.
I don't get this shitty attitude that only gays should care about gay issues and only women should care about women's issues.
The good news is hopeful doesn't mean dumb. The bad news is cynical doesn't mean smart.
I first did stand-up when I was 17, and then I passed out fliers for a comedy club and I got onstage whenever I could. And musical theater went out the window as soon as I started doing stand-up.
I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.
I do know that I can take a punch. I've been punched in the face three times. That's, I think, a really important thing to know about yourself. It helps you in life. It helps you be brave when you know you can take a punch. I'm a lover, not a fighter. But, God bless me, I can take a punch.
I've always kept my overhead low so I could do whatever I want. I think of myself as lazy with spurts of getting a lot done. I find myself rooting against things sometimes because I get excited at the thought of a clean slate.
I tend to be more arrogant on stage. Far more ignorant. I sometimes say what I think and sometimes say the opposite of what I think and the lines get blurred, but I can only hope that some kind of absolute power transcends.
If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.
Dear America, when you tell gay Americans that they can't serve their country openly or marry the person that they love, you're telling that to kids too. So don't be f**king shocked and wonder where all these bullies are coming from that are torturing young kids and driving them to kill themselves because they're different; they learned it from watching you.
I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?
I don't think comedy comes from hotbeds of doing shtick. I think it usually comes from some kind of childhood humiliation or darkness.
I'm doing stuff on Kaballah and Scientology and a little bit more racial stuff, for good measure.
I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.
I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty six what my boyfriend calls the real way.
We don't live in a democracy; we live in a hypocrisy.
I don't like people whose job it isn't to be funny, to tell me what is and isn't funny.
I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.
When you're a bed wetter there's only one group of people you can feel better than, bed shitters, and unfortunately they're hard to come by.
I just think of myself as a comedian, really. I mean, I talk about being Jewish a lot. It's funny because I do think of myself as Jewish ethnically, but I'm not religious at all. I have no religion.
I was paralyzed with fear. It was unbearable to be among other kids who were just standing around being fine. It was one of the many inconveniences of this paradox I lived with -the more people I was surrounded by, the more frighteningly alone I felt.
Men like to squash you. I just want someone who's happy with himself, happy with his life. He doesn't have to squash mine.
If my Catholic boyfriend and I ever have a kid, we'll just be honest with it. We'll say that Mommy is one of God's chosen people, and Daddy believes that Jesus is magic!
Unvisited tombstones, unread diaries, and erased video game high-score rankings are three of the most potent symbols of mankind's pathetic and fruitless attempts at immortality.
I'm always in those tabloids where they show who's badly dressed. It's funny, because each time I'm getting my picture taken, I'm thinking, This is a nice outfit.
I was always the class clown; I made my family laugh, and that was when I was always happiest. I grew up listening to stand-up comedians' albums and watching them on TV, on 'The Tonight Show' and Letterman.
If you sell the Vatican and you take that money and you use it to feed every single human being on the planet, you will get cah-azy pussy. All the pussy. I don't mean literally. That might not be your cup of tea. I don't know what your version of 'all the pussy' is. But you'll get all the pussy.
I love going to weddings. And I love it when my friends get married. I'm not against marriage but it's just not for me. I'm a vegetarian, but I don't have a problem if you want a hamburger.
Growing up, I always loved Disney movies, but the first movie I remember seeing is 'Sleepers,' so I wasn't really taken to children's movies.
I really think everything is fair game.
I like trying jokes and seeing the response, and if I end up doing it in my act, it won't be 140 characters. Twitter is helpful that way to me. It's like a message in a bottle. But a lot of times I think I tweet the stuff I would like to say to teenage me.
I definitely think that prescription drugs, like antidepressants, are prescribed so cavalierly, anyone can get anything, but I need it. I do think that it needs to work hand and hand with therapy.
Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.
If I have to write by a certain time, I can pull through, but usually I just let stuff happen, hanging out with comic friends - or bringing a basic idea on stage and seeing if it goes anywhere.
I can't cater to everyone's needs and what they're going to be offended by; that's one freedom I have.
I'm very lucky in that I still experience highs and lows. And I think those lows are important. But I am not totally paralyzed, and it keeps me from just complete state of paralysis - and emotionally and really kind of almost physically.
I didn't feel so different until maybe, like, around third grade. Kids started blaming me for my people killing Jesus.
I can get a script and go, Well, I'd rather do stand-up. I don't hold movies in higher regard. I love making videos and posting. I love TV.
I'm almost positive there is no God.
People say I'm a nice girl saying terrible things. I tend to say the opposite of what I think. You hope that the absolute power of that transcends, and reaches the audience.
Comedy is about talking about my own experience, and I'm a woman, and that's my experience, and just because it isn't yours doesn't invalidate it.
I grew up in a house where there were no taboos, so it came originally from a pretty innocent place, where I was shocked at the things that shocked people.
In the '80s especially, a lot of comedians felt compelled to stick with what made them famous and those people became caricatures.
The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.
I am diagnosed with not having enough insanely-addictive drugs coursing through my body.
You want the actors to disappear into roles and stay under the radar, and that gets harder when someone is known for their actual personality, or who they seem to be.
I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.
I don't really like saying "the gays"... I'm not sure why. I suppose I say "the Jews." but I don't say "the blacks." I guess because I'm a Jew for all intents and purposes and to group people together of which I am not one in such a casual way feels disrespectful.
That's not to say that I don't find anything offensive.
I always think I should get on it if I want to have kids. Because once you hit thirty it can be difficult to conceive - it can be dangerous. The best time to conceive is when you're a black teenager.
I'm so much more famous than I am financially successful. I mean, I live in a three-room apartment. I mostly make free videos on my couch. But I am fine.
I think the difference between being miserable and finding happiness is just a matter of perspective. If you live your life defining yourself by what other people think of you, it's a form of self-torture.
I do love the idea of ritual. I'm a very ritualistic person. I have to wash my face twice, and on the second wash before I rinse, I brush my teeth, then I rinse, then I floss, then I put on moisturizer. I'm ritualistic. Jewishness is very ritualistic.
I learned pretty early is I never defend my material; it's for other people to if someone is offended. It's so subjective, and if you don't find it funny, it's definitely going to be offensive.
I buy water at the liquor store across the street from where I live. So I'm walking into the door, and standing, loitering, outside the door is a man. And I walk by him to go in, and he says, "I want pussy!" Now, I don't want to seem conceited or anything, but he was talking about me!
This is AIDS. AIDS is as real as an egg.
What are the chances there is a God, really?
I dress normal because I want people to treat me regular. And their brains explode. It's really fun.
I got jury duty and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?
I like my messiness on stage, though I watch comics who come at a joke from every angle and I think, 'Yeah! That's how it's done!' But for me it's the audience. If I feel connected to them, I have so much fun, and if not, it stinks.
Don't tell girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't. It's like saying, 'Hey, when you get in the shower, I'm not gonna read your diary.' 'Wait--are you gonna read my diary?' 'No! I said I'm not gonna read your diary. Go take a shower!'.
I think when you're 25 you're still finding yourself, and you should have the freedom of that.
Sometimes a joke that doesn't work just needs a breath or a little word or the tiniest little change to be fixed.
Look at the people who are kind of the funniest cultures, they're the cultures of the people who have been the most oppressed, black people and Jews. Not that they're the only funny people, but culturally, it comes from the pain, you know?
When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.
I'm always writing; I'm always jotting things down on paper or making notes in my iPhone. Then I'll make myself sit down and kind of shape it up, but there's really no other way to practice other than onstage.
I think maybe I became funny because as a kid, I was a Jew in a town of no Jews, and being funny just instinctively came about as a way to put people at ease around me.
By the time I would have graduated, at 22, I was a writer and featured performer on Saturday Night Live.
It feels weird in our ear holes to hear people worshipping a guy named Ron. We know Rons in our life.
I like my life alone.
I don't compromise. I only do the stuff I want to do.
I'm a very ritualistic person. I have to wash my face twice, and on the second wash before I rinse, I brush my teeth, then I rinse, then I floss, then I put on moisturizer. I'm ritualistic. Jewishness is very ritualistic.
Someone on Twitter sent me a page from a textbook. It had a picture of a football player next to a picture of me. The juxtaposition was meant to illustrate two meanings of "offensive." Seriously. It broke my heart. It's that accepted what I do is offensive?
Nothing is taboo if you have an angle on it. That said, critiquing women's human shells isn't my thang. Though there's probably something funny or interesting to be said about those who do it, and what that comes from.
I do enjoy and feel compelled to talk about things that are taboo. One, because I think I'm a troublemaker inside, if someone says, "Don't say that," it's all I want to say. And also, something I learned in therapy ... which is darkness can't exist in the light, and then that made me think of something that Mr. Rogers said, which is, "If it's mentionable, it's manageable.".
The truth is, I've denied it for years, but I love deconstructing comedy.
You're supposed to have friends you can tell anything to.
The reason the rest of us remember, like, when John Lennon died, is because it's a moment when adrenaline is surging.
I never defend my material. Comedy is subjective.
Take lots of time for yourself, discovering yourself-pursue not only a profession but other life passions, I always make time to rock climb or hike or write a few short stories. Also, find good people and surround yourself with them. Most importantly, always believe you will, unequivocally.
P. J. O'Rourke
Louis C. K.
Julie Anne Peters
Roy Jones Jr.
Robert W. Service
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