Zach Braff quotes and sayings
April 6, 1975
It was really starting to get pathetic, everyday they would come in looking for one thing or another. 'Zach, can you give me some acting tips?' 'Zach, will you let me blow you?' 'Can I have some cash?' That's when I made the call, that's when I decided seven was enough.
So for front-runners we have a black and a woman. It's like being made to choose between syphilis or having and old man crap on your face. I would do the country a favor and run myself but I couldn't deprive Hollywood of me for 4 years.
When I was told they wanted the show to be about doctors, I was a bit reluctant to sign on, you know? I thought, why have a show about doctors when we could have a show about the real heroes, you know, like me?
I'm grown ass man and grown ass men can do whatever they want, got it?
I don't think that other races are inferior, I just think that there's something special about white people. Sometimes, when I think about all the things white people have accomplished throughout history, I smile, and I nod, and I think to myself, 'Yeah, I'm glad I'm on that team.'.
If we've learned anything, it's that the combination of yellow smiley faces and blue polyester vests are irresistible to the inbred.
I'm sick of people saying I hate blacks, women, and gays. It's false and slanderous. Everyone who knows me knows I hate the Chinese.
Maybe that's all that family really is, a group of people who all miss the same imaginary place.
Minutes to learn, a lifetime to master. People just don't understand that.
I love 'Scrubs.' It's the best day job in the world.
So I was at the gas station the other day, and I saw that there was braille on the pumps. I don't see how they can cater to blind drivers. I mean, there are certain rights you should lose once you lose what makes you a person.
The way I write is that I'll actually have a conversation out loud with myself. In a weird way, I just kind of get schizophrenic and play two characters.
In theater or movies you see either 'I'm religious' or 'I'm an atheist.' I've never seen too much discussion of 'I believe there's a higher power but I'm hesitant to reach out to him because I don't know if I'm worthy of his attention.'.
I'm not actually an arrogant guy. It's just that, truthfully, nobody else can really compare to me.
Actually when I gave out the script, I gave it with a CD of all the music I wanted to put in the movie, and again, we never thought we'd get all that music.
Its not that I'm in love with myself, I'm just trying to pick up everyone else's slack.
That Hugh Laurie show is nothing but Scrubs fan fiction.
If we're going to solve the problems in North Korea, the first thing we're going to have to do is start helping them get basic amenities like electricity, televisions, and DVD players over there. Otherwise, how can they watch 'Garden State'?
Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it's in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers.
Complete garbage. It's like Garden State, but in outer space.
Well, I'm not saying that America is a bad place or anything. I just think 9/11 needed to happen sooner or later.
I'm a busy guy; I just get a lot of people that sound like me to go out and visit them. They don't know the difference and, let's face it, they aren't going to be paying to see my movies anytime soon.
When I played the Shins, I changed someone's life. When I play Belle and Sebastian in a pivotal scene in my next movie...well, let's just say I made sure I that I can't be held legally responsible for all the deaths people will suffer out of shock upon hearing them. They're a terrific band.
It has been pretty much downhill ever since the 13th amendment.
I really don't know why we need a whole month dedicated to blacks. It's not like they're the only ones that suffered. I mean, what about us whites? We're the ones that have to deal with these monkeys everyday, but you don't see us demanding a whole month to ourselves.
Sure, they are the future of our world. Nike and Reebok need more factory workers every day.
I know that Mike Tyson talked about wanting to eat his opponent's children, but I don't think he ever had the balls to do it. I'm different - when I kidnapped Bill Lawrence's daughter, I cut off all of her fingers before sending my demands so that I wouldn't have to sit there and wait for him to ignore them. We worked things about about nine hours in, which is good because I ate her thumb as a midnight snack.
I don't want to be one of those guys, but Snape DOES kill Dumbledore.
People always tell me I should run for president, but I don't think they'd give me enough time off to make my films.
I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.
If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he'd have given them penises.
She can't say no if she's unconscious.
Everyone has an idea that they think would be a great movie. Everyone has a cousin who they think you should work with.
I'm by no means condemning prescription medicine for mental health. I've seen it save a lot of people's lives.
The only real difference between hookers, stippers, sluts and regualar women how many times you can hit them before they cry. Hookers can really take a punch, I'll tell you that much.
I think a lot of people are drawn to seeing people that want to be better. We see it in ourselves.
It's a really fun hobby to set imagery to music, and finding the right songs for that. Your favorite song in the world might not work at all... for one reason or another.
I mean, personally, I would have had no problem surviving. Come on, how hard is it to swim?
The success of 'Scrubs' allowed me to pursue anything I felt passionately about without having to worry about money. It allowed me to spend my summer work shopping my show at a nonprofit theater.
I mean, some people accuse me of being racist. I'm totally not, I'm just better than everybody else.
I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help matters.
I mean, I'm a writer, actor, AND director. Not to rock the boat or anything, but compare that to a carpenter and, in the end, who is the better man?
I think there are bound to be obstacles in any path to success. I mean, I'm Jewish, and there's nothing I can do about that. Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I got over it and did something with my life.
I'd always fantasized about writing a new play. Even when I had all this success in television, what I was daydreaming about in my dressing room is that one day I would do it.
I think the saddest moments in life have humor in them. I have a memory of coming home from a funeral with my family in the back of a limousine and someone cracking a joke and us just hysterically belly laughing. It's how we always dealt with tragedy in our lives and I think it's such a healthy way to deal with sadness.
People still make New Year's resolutions? Wow. I figured those were pointless once I perfected myself by directing, writing, and acting in Garden State. I guess it makes sense, though. It gives people a chance to hope that they can become as great as me someday.
I don't have anything against this Jesus guy, but has he written, directed, and starred in his own movie?
My tears cure cancer too, it's just that I laugh at cancer patients.
I could see why someone would want to make a website about me, and my quotes. They are all gold. How many people have written, directed AND starred in their own movies. I just don't know why they would want to put words into my mouth, I mean I did write, direct AND star in a critically acclaimed movie.
I had a dream once. I wanted to do a line of cocaine off a hooker's ass. That's when I realized, 'Hey, I'm freakin' Zach Braff.' I did it the next morning.
Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible.
I don't think restaurants should refuse to serve minority people. They are quite tasty when prepared correctly.
You always see black people complaining about this and that, but you never see me complaining about how slow they work on my plantation.
I'm sure lots of actors and creative people go through this, where you have some weeks where it's all going according to plan and some weeks where you're super frustrated.
A lot of people consider 9/11 to be a tragedy, and in some ways it is, but I think there's also opportunity for a lot of humor there.
They say the number on rule in showbusiness is not to work with animals. I guess I'm above the rules because I put up with that for seven years.
Actually, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror years ago. I wasn't making it to work on time.
It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.
I think I suffer from some mild depression.
One time this guy on the street wanted me to give him a medical opinion, because I'm a doctor on TV. I'm also a real doctor. But I'm also Zack Braff, so I kicked him in the groin.
They say that guys who like chick flicks tend to do a little better with the ladies. Well, I INVENTED the chick flick, so you can pretty much guess where that leaves me.
I lot of people remember when that kid spray-painted my brand new Porsche for Punk'd. That was pretty funny. He got me pretty good. Of course, most people don't know I eventually got him back with my own show. I call it a show, really it's just an hour-long video shot in my bedroom featuring the two of us.
If Democrats want to start winning elections in this country, they're going to have to start connecting with voters as well as I connect with my fans.
If a benevolent God exists, so does reincarnation. He wouldn't send me here just once.
I heard about the Dalai Lama, you know and I thought to myself, why not me?
I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.
In April 1975 I was born and the Vietnam War ended. I could not let any American die in war before seeing an episode of Scrubs.
It's really hard to find parts that challenge me as an actor these days. At this point in my career, I feel like I can just sleepwalk through most of my roles and still do a better job than 90 percent of the actors out there.
Yeah i thought about making the character of JD gay... But then i thought, but what about all the poor girls dreams you'll be crushing.
When I was little I always wanted to drive a train. That, and become a baker.
Put God and me in a cage, what do you think who will win. God, because I created him.
A child's death is really of less value than an adult's. I mean, what could you really accomplish in a year? Not much, and that's not even talking about, you know, pay-wise.
One of the things I like about being a celebrity is that you can get away with murder. Not just metaphorically, literally. Remember that annoying blond dog reporter at E News used to talk smack about me? I paid two mobsters five million dollars each to throw her off the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas.
Eight gold medals? If I wanted I could make a movie about me winning nine gold medals. Now that's real power.
I wouldn't exactly call it 'Intelligent', but somebody has to be behind designing the human form other than just biological necessity. Why else would women have arms? Or feet? Or mouths?
Well, I've thought about donating, but they get so many damn donations already. I read about one foundation that raised over 100 million dollars. Well where the hell did that go? For all I know every starving child has a 2 story house by now. Or maybe they're all raging alcoholics, like homeless people. Homeless people who are more effective when it comes to raising money. Who wants to support alcoholic children? Not me.
I'm 26 years old, and I've spent my whole life waiting for something else to start. Now I realize that this is all there is, and I'm going to try to live my life like that.
I like the punch beggers and panhandlers when they ask me for change. I feel like I am doing my part to clean up the streets.
If I wasn't an actor? Hmm, I'd probably be a serial killer. I'm just so damn likeable, no one would ever suspect me.
I'm not saying I hate Jews, I'm just saying that I think they shouldn't be alive any more.
I don't even like the show that much, I mean, it's about doctors. It's not like doctors are as important as actors anyway, I bet I've saved more lives with my acting talent then any doctor has.
People always say The God Father is the #1 movie of all time. But ask yourself, did you see Zach Braff in it....No you didn't. So then by default it goes to Garden State..and if youwatch two episodes of scrubs back to back that counts as the #2.
I'm not an hour late. You guys were just an hour early.
I think in a play it's wise to just sit back and watch other actors and be able to shape it from the audience.
My co-stars aren't bad actors, but they're no Zach Braff.
I believe the general consensus is the bigger it is, the more women flock to you. I guess its a good thing mine is HUGE!
My mother's a psychologist, my stepfather's a psychologist, my stepmother is a therapist and my dad's a lawyer. So it was all prominent in my life. I don't know anyone who doesn't know someone on some form of prescription medicine.
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